via College Humor
The 3 Stupidest Arguments People Are Making Against Idris Elba as James Bond

"Smooth, cool, badass, British." These are the main traits you should be thinking about when you think of the cinematic James Bond, because everything else has been in flux nonstop since the series began with Sean Connery (and honestly no ...

8/10/2018 7:04:34 PM

via College Humor
An Honest Breakdown Of Your Body When You're Hungover

A. A Piercing Headache: Logically, you know there's not a knife sticking out of your skull right now, but it sure doesn't feel like it. You didn't know it was possible to cram that much pain into such a small area, but you'd give anything ...

8/10/2018 6:13:48 PM

via The Onion
Unearthed Cave Painting Of Wooly Mammoth, Saber-Tooth Tiger Reveals Humans Have Debated What Things Would Win In A Fight Since 30,000 B.C.

ARDÈCHE, FRANCE—Saying that the recently discovered figurative art sheds new light on prehistoric speculative conflict, archeologists working at France’s Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave announced Friday the discovery of a 300-century-old painting ...

8/10/2018 6:02:00 PM

via College Humor
8 Expectations vs. Reality Comics That Will Teach You Some Hard Truths

1. Making New Friends: Expectation Vs. Reality 2. Wearing Contacts: Expectation vs Reality 3. Long Distance Relationships: Expectation VS. Reality 4. Antidepressants: Expectation Vs. Reality 5. Fall: Expectatio ...

8/10/2018 5:22:44 PM

via The Onion
Former Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Under Investigation For Tax Fraud

Michael Cohen is reportedly under investigation by New York federal prosecutor for tax fraud related to his taxi medallion business. What do you think?Read more...

8/10/2018 4:57:00 PM

via The Onion
New Stardew Valley Expansion Allows Player To Shoot Self In Barn After Family Farm Bankrupted By Corporate Agribusiness

LONDON—While adding multiple new gameplay options and challenging story paths to their retro farming RPG Stardew Valley, developer Chucklefish Limited revealed Friday that an upcoming game expansion would allow players to shoot themselves ...

8/10/2018 4:48:00 PM

via The Onion
Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men

OMAHA, NE—In support of all those whose bodily fluids have been discriminated against, courageous heterosexual Calvin Woodruff revealed Friday that in order to stand in solidarity with gay men, he has never donated blood to the Red Cross. ...

8/10/2018 4:34:00 PM

via The Onion
via The Onion
Scouts Highly Doubtful Tim Tebow Will Ever Make It To Heaven

NEW YORK—Despite the years of effort and success in lower-level religious practice, a group of professional scouts told reporters Friday that they strongly doubt Tim Tebow will ever make it to heaven. “I know he’s put in a lot of prayers a ...

8/10/2018 3:43:00 PM

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Pie Charts

8/10/2018 3:31:04 PM

via The Onion
Mueller Scrambling After Accidentally Spilling Whole Big Gulp All Over Russia Evidence

WASHINGTON—Suffering yet another unexpected setback during his ongoing investigation into foreign collusion with the Trump campaign, Special Counsel Robert Mueller scrambled Friday to contain the damage to his documents after spilling an e ...

8/10/2018 3:21:00 PM

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Pros And Cons Of Using Images Of Deceased People Onscreen

The recent announcement that footage of late actor Carrie Fisher in the upcoming Star Wars film has reignited debate about the ethics of using unused images or reconstructed footage of deceased entertainers in movies, television, and comme ...

8/10/2018 2:52:00 PM

via Cracked
The Dumb Reason Why 'Christopher Robin' Is Banned In China

By Adam Wears  Published: August 09th, 2018 

8/10/2018 1:05:21 PM

via Cracked
5 Movies And Shows That Create Hilarious Sex Questions

By Adam Wears  Published: August 10th, 2018 

8/10/2018 1:05:21 PM

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Happy Birthday, Badass - August 10

By CRACKED Writing Staff  Published: August 10th, 2018 

8/10/2018 1:05:21 PM

via Cracked
5 Terrible Excuses For Racism (That People Keep Using)

By Ian Fortey  Published: August 10th, 2018 

8/10/2018 1:05:21 PM

via Cracked
The True Meaning Behind 30 Common Things People Say

By CRACKED Readers  Published: August 10th, 2018 

8/10/2018 1:05:21 PM

via Funny or Die
'Puppy Or Bagel?' And Other Similar Questions We're Struggling To Answer

'Puppy Or Bagel?' And Other Similar Q... Twitter's Karen Zack noticed that animals just look like other stuff! Submitted by: A Thing From The Internet Regular Keywords: pu ...

8/10/2018 7:05:38 AM

via Funny or Die
The 'Golden Girls' When Betty White Banged A Guy To Death

The 'Golden Girls' When Betty White B... 4:44 Remember the 'Golden Girls' when Rose (Betty White) banged a guy to death? It was a very special episode? Submitted by: Funny Or Die R ...

8/10/2018 6:45:18 AM

via The Onion
via College Humor
The 4 Stages of Watching TV in a Relationship

STAGE 1: You watch the same show together and each pay attention, even if one of you has to pretend to like the show more than they actually do. Jacob Andrews/Collegehumor STAGE 2: You watch the same show together, but ONE of you is on t ...

8/9/2018 9:54:39 PM

via College Humor
These MoviePass Emails Are Getting Out of Hand

As all current subscribers to MoviePass already know, the company don't got their shit together. They are throwing everything, anything against the wall to try to turn a profit. Each week is a fresh new adventure as to what crazy shit our ...

8/9/2018 8:51:03 PM

via The Onion
Virginia Governor Orders State Of Emergency Ahead Of ‘Unite The Right’ Anniversary

To help local authorities mobilize resources into Charlottesville, VA, Governor Ralph Northam ordered a state of emergency before the anniversary of the deadly Unite the Right white nationalist rally that left one woman dead and several ot ...

8/9/2018 8:12:00 PM

via The Onion
Rachel Maddow Claims New Audio Damning Enough To Pad Out Entire Week’s Worth Of Shows

NEW YORK—Explaining that the numerous bombshells in store would be far too much to attempt to cram into one episode’s worth of filler, Rachel Maddow claimed Thursday that their newly released recording of Representative Devin Nunes would b ...

8/9/2018 8:05:00 PM

via The Onion
Driver Swerves To Avoid Deer Standing Right In Middle Of Zoo

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Narrowly avoiding disaster thanks to a split-second maneuver, local driver Michael Rispanti reportedly swerved his vehicle Thursday to avoid a whitetail deer that was standing right in the middle of the Albuquerque Zoo. “Je ...

8/9/2018 7:39:00 PM

via The Onion
Pentagon Officials Listen In Silence As Mike Pence Details Plans For Angel-Guided Defense Weapons System

WASHINGTON—Feigning polite interest throughout the 90-minute meeting, Pentagon officials from all five branches of the armed forces listened in silence Thursday as Mike Pence presented his detailed plans for a state-of-the-art angel-guided ...

8/9/2018 7:11:00 PM

via The Onion
Struggling Used Bookstore Has Tried Everything But Organizing Books By Genre And Author

OXFORD, MS—Saying that they were quickly running out of options, the management at struggling used bookstore Selected Works claim they have taken every measure to ensure customer involvement and increase sales except for taking the drastic ...

8/9/2018 5:53:00 PM

via The Onion
Yemen Unveils New 80-Story Drone Zapper

SANA’A, YEMEN—In an effort to address what has become a persistent nuisance to citizens, Yemeni officials unveiled Thursday their new 80-story drone zapper. “Hanging this state-of-the-art Drone Zapper above the nation means Yemenis will be ...

8/9/2018 5:47:00 PM

via College Humor
Your Cute Embarrassing Story Is a Nightmare

The survival rate for public humiliation has gotten way too high.

8/9/2018 5:30:08 PM

via College Humor
How Are You Not HUMILIATED

The survival rate for public humiliation has gotten way too high.

8/9/2018 5:30:08 PM

via College Humor
via The Onion
Coed Rec Softball Team Having Trouble Finding Enough Hyper-Competitive Men To Ruin Experience

SAN DIEGO, CA—Admitting that filling the positions had proven far more difficult than expected, a local coed softball team confirmed Thursday that they were struggling to find enough hyper-competitive men to ruin their rec league experienc ...

8/9/2018 4:57:00 PM

via The Onion
Giuliani Demands Mueller Wrap Up Investigation And Imprison President By September

NEW YORK—Saying that the affair was rapidly deteriorating into a boondoggle that should have been resolved months ago, presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani demanded Thursday that Special Counsel Robert Mueller stop wasting taxpayer money, wra ...

8/9/2018 3:23:00 PM

via The Onion
InfoWars Moves To Ban Alex Jones

AUSTIN, TX—Saying that it was a long-overdue step given the radio show host’s history of offensive and dangerous rhetoric, InfoWars reportedly moved Thursday to ban right wing provocateur Alex Jones from its platform. “Mr. Jones has repeat ...

8/9/2018 3:14:00 PM

via The Onion
MoviePass By The Numbers

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8/9/2018 2:30:00 PM

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Doctor Informs Woman She Pregnant As Hell

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8/9/2018 2:24:00 PM

via Cracked
The Only Good Alex Jones Conspiracy Theory You Need To Hear

By Adam Wears  Published: August 08th, 2018 

8/9/2018 1:01:04 PM

via Cracked
In Italy, Police Are Cracking Down On, Uh, Sand Theft

By Cedric Voets  Published: August 08th, 2018 

8/9/2018 1:01:04 PM

via Cracked
5 Secret Things That Won't Be Public Until After We're Dead

By Dan Hopper  Published: August 09th, 2018 

8/9/2018 1:01:04 PM

via Cracked
Happy Birthday, Badass - August 9

By CRACKED Writing Staff  Published: August 09th, 2018 

8/9/2018 1:01:04 PM

via Cracked
5 Lost Video Game Features That Should've Become Standard

By Jordan Breeding  Published: August 09th, 2018 

8/9/2018 1:01:04 PM

via Funny or Die
I’m A Sentient Barbie Girl In A Barbie World, Please Help

I’m A Sentient Barbie Girl In A Barbi... I am a Barbie who can think, feel and recognize that my life is hell. Submitted by: Jackie Jennings Regular Keywords: barbie barbie girl b ...

8/9/2018 7:15:42 AM

via Funny or Die
Ant-Man and The Fly

Ant-Man and The Fly 1:32 The Wasp is dust and Ant-Man is looking for a new sidekick. Luckily for him, The Fly (Jeff Goldblum) is available. A mashup of "Ant-Man and The Wasp" and David Cronenberg's classi ...

8/9/2018 6:45:18 AM

via The Onion
Wilbur Ross Accused Of Stealing $120 Million From Past Associates

In a confidentially settled lawsuit, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross was accused of stealing $120 million through a complex scheme at his previous investment company. What do you think? Read more...

8/8/2018 9:21:00 PM

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Harm To Table

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8/8/2018 8:23:00 PM

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Report Finds Letting Stranger Bum Cigarette Sole Act Of Human Compassion Still In Practice

WASHINGTON—The American Sociological Association released a new report Wednesday revealing that letting a stranger bum a cigarette remains the sole act of human compassion still in practice. “Following 16 months of field research, we have ...

8/8/2018 8:03:00 PM

via The Onion
Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes

WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would incl ...

8/8/2018 7:14:00 PM

via Funny or Die
The Funniest Tweets about Cats

The Funniest Tweets about Cats Happy International Cat Day to our furry overlords Submitted by: Funny Or Die Regular Keywords: cats twitter funniest tweets Views: 5 ...

8/8/2018 7:01:00 PM

via The Onion
Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent

REDMOND, WA—Touting the new gameplay features available in the upcoming fifth title in the popular fighting series, Nintendo reportedly revealed Wednesday that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will allow characters to repeatedly punch themselves ...

8/8/2018 6:53:00 PM

via The Onion
Annoying Coworker Insists On Existing Right In Visual Range

CHICAGO—Noting that his fellow employee constantly engages in the infuriating habit without a thought for anyone around him, local man Robert Mauro told reporters Wednesday his annoying coworker Greg Shapiro insists upon existing right the ...

8/8/2018 6:26:00 PM

via The Onion
It Pretty Obvious What Friend Will Look Like Old

LAFAYETTE, LA—Noting that their close friend’s current musculoskeletal structure already provided ample evidence as to where and when certain wrinkles would appear later in life, eyewitnesses to the face of local woman Zoe Campbell, 31, co ...

8/8/2018 5:48:00 PM

via XKCD
Voting Software

8/8/2018 5:15:53 PM

via The Onion
Best TV Show Opening Credits Sequences Of All Time

Netflix’s “Skip Intro” feature has led to concern that opening sequences of television shows, which can be artful, meaningful introductions, could be a dying art. The Onion takes a look at the most compelling and defining opening credits s ...

8/8/2018 5:15:00 PM

via The Onion
Catholic Church Now Opposes Death Penalty In All Cases

The Catholic Church now formally considers the death penalty “inadmissible” as an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person and is pledging to work for its abolition worldwide, a shift from its previous position that it could b ...

8/8/2018 4:22:00 PM

via The Onion
Young Girls Creeped Out By Older Scientists Constantly Trying To Lure Them Into STEM

SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being ...

8/8/2018 2:40:00 PM

via Cracked
How 'Mission: Impossible - Fallout' Is A Remake Of 'Skyfall'

By Adam Wears  Published: August 07th, 2018 

8/8/2018 1:15:55 PM

via Cracked
Happy Birthday, Badass - August 8

By CRACKED Writing Staff  Published: August 08th, 2018 

8/8/2018 1:15:55 PM

via Cracked
We Once Allowed Radiation in Some Terrifyingly Normal Places

By Cracked Writers  Published: August 08th, 2018 

8/8/2018 1:15:55 PM

via Cracked
4 Seemingly Extinct Products That Are Still Weirdly Huge

By Steven Assarian,Stephan Roget,Dan Hopper,Michael Battaglino,Peter I. Santiago  Published: August 08th, 2018 

8/8/2018 1:15:55 PM

via Cracked
The Rape Joke Hollywood Was Always Weirdly Okay With

By Joe Oliveto  Published: August 08th, 2018 

8/8/2018 1:15:55 PM

via Funny or Die
What Your Favorite Beatles Song Says About You

What Your Favorite Beatles Song Says ... The Beatles are the band whose fandom spans generations, but what does that personal standout track say about you and your personality? Submitted by: Bria ...

8/8/2018 7:15:37 AM

via Funny or Die
Tween Fest Begins! - Tween Fest Episode 1

Tween Fest Begins! - Tween Fest Episo... The world's first festival for social media stars is here and the festival director Todd Crawford (John Michael Higgins) is looking to take his his daughter Maddi ...

8/8/2018 6:45:18 AM

via Funny or Die
Why A Festival For Social Media Stars Is A Bad Idea - Tween Fest Episode 1

Why A Festival For Social Media Stars... The world's first festival for social media stars is here and the festival director Todd Crawford (John Michael Higgins) is looking to take his his daughter Maddi ...

8/8/2018 6:45:00 AM

via Funny or Die
This Kim Kardashian "Like Butter" Meme Will Cure Your Discomfort

This Kim Kardashian "Like Butter" Mem... Kim Kardashian released a super weird photo of herself in her underwear and a pair of Yeezy sneakers, so the internet fixed it for us! Submitted ...

8/7/2018 11:03:10 PM

via The Onion
Stephen Miller Desperately Searching For Next Fix After High Of Detained Children Starts Wearing Off

WASHINGTON—Muttering that he needed something more potent to get him flying again, Stephen Miller was desperately searching for his next fix Tuesday after the high of detained children began wearing off. “You get a taste for immigrant chil ...

8/7/2018 9:34:00 PM

via The Onion
via The Onion
How To Set Up The Ultimate Home Theater

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8/7/2018 9:02:00 PM

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Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up

GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Tuesday that any hope for the future of humanity now hinges on the possibility that scientists like them ...

8/7/2018 7:35:00 PM

via The Onion
Rick Gates Fondly Recalls Manafort Finding Him As Hapless Street Urchin And Teaching Him How To Pickpocket

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Speaking to a packed courtroom during his second day of testimony in the fraud trial for his former boss, Rick Gates fondly recalled Tuesday when Paul Manafort found him as a hapless street urchin and taught him how to pickp ...

8/7/2018 7:00:00 PM

via The Onion
Embarrassed California Firefighters Realize They’ve Been Spraying Flames This Whole Time

WITTER SPRINGS, CA—Mortified at making such a boneheaded mistake during the largest blaze in state history, embarrassed California firefighters realized Tuesday that they have been spraying flames this whole time. “Aw, jeez, we’ve been usi ...

8/7/2018 6:08:00 PM

via The Onion
Frustrated Rahm Emanuel Torn Between Addressing Chicago’s Shootings, Just Fucking Going For Nation’s Murder Capital

CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of na ...

8/7/2018 5:41:00 PM

via College Humor
The Guy Who Needs To Win Everything

Don't worry, Brennan has the perfect dinner party guest list to kill Hitler and stop 9/11.

8/7/2018 5:30:58 PM

via The Onion
Cash-Strapped NRA Forced To Shoot Dozens Of Redundant Employees

FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advoc ...

8/7/2018 5:05:00 PM

via The Onion
Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 7, 2018

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8/7/2018 2:56:00 PM

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Carmelo Thinking He Would Be Good Fit On Team With GM Who Hasn’t Been Paying Attention Last Few Years

NEW YORK—In an effort to make the biggest impact possible in his 17th season, Carmelo Anthony revealed Tuesday that he thinks he would be a great fit on a team with a general manager who hasn’t been paying close attention the last few year ...

8/7/2018 2:45:00 PM

via The Onion
Alex Jones Warns Fans Quitting His Supplements Cold Turkey Can Lead To Homosexuality, Judaism

AUSTIN, TX—Cautioning against the devastating effects of abandoning the daily regimen of essential vitamins and minerals, radio host Alex Jones warned his fans Tuesday that quitting his supplements cold turkey could lead to homosexuality a ...

8/7/2018 2:20:00 PM

via Cracked
Here's The Hilarious Way Ireland Warded Off Nazi Bombers

By Adam Wears  Published: August 06th, 2018 

8/7/2018 1:00:58 PM

via Cracked
This Prescription Drug Might Turn You Into A Nonstop Gambler

By Cedric Voets  Published: August 06th, 2018 

8/7/2018 1:00:58 PM

via Cracked
Happy Birthday, Badass - August 7

By CRACKED Writing Staff  Published: August 07th, 2018 

8/7/2018 1:00:58 PM

via Cracked
5 Times Huge Companies Straight-Up Acted Like Supervillains

By Stephan Roget  Published: August 07th, 2018 

8/7/2018 1:00:58 PM

via Cracked
Net Neutrality Is Dead, But We Can Bring It Back: Here's How

By Cedric Voets  Published: August 07th, 2018 

8/7/2018 1:00:58 PM

via Funny or Die
10 Hours Of Walking In NYC As A Man

10 Hours Of Walking In NYC As A Man 1:56 After watching a video of a woman experiencing over 100 instances of street harassment during a 10 hour period walking the streets of New York City, Funny Or Die ...

8/7/2018 7:06:50 AM

via Funny or Die
This Guy Offering Me $60K of His Lottery Winnings Is The Worst Scammer Ever

This Guy Offering Me $60K of His Lott... When someone pretending to be a New Jersey lottery winner told me he wanted to give me $60,000, I decided it was time to make $60,000. Or at least a new friend. ...

8/6/2018 11:25:54 PM

via The Onion
Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park

AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a meg ...

8/6/2018 10:12:00 PM

via The Onion
First Amendment Experts Warn Facebook Banning InfoWars Could Set Completely Reasonable Precedent For Free Speech

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the widespread repercussions from the act of corporate censorship, first amendment experts warned Monday that Facebook’s decision to ban InfoWars could set a completely reasonable precedent for free speech. “If we ...

8/6/2018 9:09:00 PM

via The Onion
Man Knows In Reality Marrying Minnie Mouse Wouldn’t Be As Perfect As He Imagines

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minni ...

8/6/2018 9:06:00 PM

via The Onion
Russian Orphans Devastated After Realizing Trump Tower Meeting Not About Getting Them Adopted

NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday ...

8/6/2018 8:24:00 PM

via XKCD
Disaster Movie

8/6/2018 8:15:47 PM

via The Onion
via College Humor
The 6 Types of People That Say "Can We Not Do This Right Now" in Movies

I'm sorry....can we not do this right now? If you've ever said this in real life, sorry bucko you're just living in The Truman Show because only movie characters say this and they say it all the damn time. Here are six of the most common o ...

8/6/2018 7:40:25 PM

via The Onion
President Admits Trump Tower Meeting Was To Get Dirt On Clinton

President Trump admitted this weekend that the purpose of a meeting between his son Don Jr. and a woman linked to the Kremlin was to search for incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, directly contradicting previous statements. Wh ...

8/6/2018 7:30:00 PM